The Importance of Delayed Gratification

A well-known study conducted at Stanford University in the 1960s explains a lot about why it’s important to delay gratification. In the study, young children were seated alone with one marshmallow on a plate. An adult researcher gave each child two choices: eat the marshmallow now, or wait 15 minutes and receive two marshmallows. Some of the children barely hesitated before shoving that marshmallow in their cake hole. Others tried to control themselves and nearly had a seizure before giving in. Only a few were able to actually hold out for the extra marshmallow, but even they struggled.

The researchers followed the participants into adulthood over a period of 4o years. The kids who were able to hold out and receive the extra marshmallow were more successful in nearly every aspect of life. They scored higher on standardized tests, had better health, and were less likely to have behavior problems.

Delayed Gratification is a Learned Skill

In full disclosure, I would’ve shoved that marshmallow in my pie hole as soon as it hit the plate. Why? Because at six years old few children have the discipline to delay gratification. See, delaying gratification is a skill that must be developed over time. The question is whether this generation of high school and college kids are capable of developing the ability to delay gratification. Let me explain.

People who learn to manage their need for immediate gratification will thrive more in their careers, relationships, health, and fitness. But, it’s hard. We aren’t wired to delay our gratification. And, today we are surrounded by more temptation than a toddler in a candy aisle. How many times have you scrolled through Tik Tok at night until your eyes could barely stay open? How many times have you binge watched a Netflix show in just three nights? And, I don’t even need to ask how many times you’ve eaten the ice cream when you know you shouldn’t. You hated yourself later, didn’t you? If it’s hard for adults, imagine how much harder it will be for today’s kids to resist temptation when it really matters.

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See, even beyond careers, relationships and fitness, most of the world’s problems are a function of delayed gratification. Ever watched an episode of Behind the Music? Or wondered why most Lottery winners file bankruptcy?

Ever wondered why Bernie Madoff got away with a multi-billion dollar Ponzi scheme for over twenty years? Or how Jeffrey Epstein convinced the world’s most powerful men to sexually abuse teenage girls on a private island? Or how Elizabeth Holmes was able to raise nearly $1 Billion for Theranos, a healthcare technology company that she knew was a complete fraud? Ever wonder why Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with that 22-year-old intern who could have been his daughter? Ever wonder why Richard Nixon bugged the Democratic Party headquarters when he was virtually guaranteed to be re-elected in a landslide? All of these regrettable scenarios can be attributed to the perps inability to delay one thing: gratification. Apparently none of them could wait 15 minutes for the second marshmallow.

Instant gratification can drive some of our most regrettable behaviors. Beyond those examples above, addiction to alcohol, drugs and shoplifting are a function of our inability to control the desire for instant gratification.

As a byproduct, our military cannot meet its recruiting goals. Our youngsters are too fat, addicted to drugs or have a criminal attorney on speed dial. The Air Force recently revised their previous standards, allowing men to be 26% body fat; women can be 36% body fat.

Today’s Technology Feeds Instant Gratification

Our technology and drive for efficiency is driving this trend towards immediate gratification. We’ve all come to love the dopamine hit from Instagram likes and Tik-Tok videos. Yes, the iPhone might as well be a syringe loaded with dopamine.

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The iPhone has taken away many of the “rights of passage” experienced by prior generations. Today’s youth will never know the pure panic of waiting in the carpool line and wondering if the janitor will have to drive you home cause Mom is late and cell phones haven’t been invented yet.

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Today we order up a ride from Uber and are irritated if it takes more than five minutes to arrive. We no longer wait for “Must-See TV” night to see our fav show. We binge watch the latest show and are instantly gratified at finishing the entire season in our own time.

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According to studies by psychologist Daniel Kahneman, “humans consistently overestimate the value or pleasure of what they don’t have and underestimate the pain or loss of losing something they do have.” That kind of thinking is what causes us to do really dumb things.

Instant gratification comes at the expense of willpower and discipline. Because nothing hard in life comes without a certain amount of discipline. Want to get in shape? Discipline. Want to run a marathon? Discipline. Doctors, Lawyers, Athletes, Musicians, Artists all need a certain amount of discipline. It takes discipline and willpower to delay gratification. Something nearly impossible for today’s kids.

The Uncertainty of Life Teaches Us to Delay Gratification

Social media teaches our kids that everyone succeeds at everything—all the time. It’s full of bullshit artist who only show their successes, never their striving or their failures. There’s no evidence of the hard work, the constant reps in the gym, the failures. Real life takes work, hard work, and resilience. It takes feeling uncomfortable. Too many young people shy away from these things today. But, life isn’t like that. Life is full of uncertainty. Its messy, at times. It’s a natural part of living and growth and developing resilience. I wrote about uncertainty here.

Can the youngsters tolerate hard work? Can they tolerate the inherent messiness that comes with a disciplined (yet failed) pursuit of their dreams. Can they develop the adult skills of willpower and discipline and resilience? Can the resist the desire for immediate gratification?

Said another way, can today’s young adults delay gratification and wait on the second marshmallow?

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