Three Secrets of Resilient People
We all have those moments in life where the path we thought we were following becomes the proverbial path less traveled. When the path veers off in some unthinkably horrible direction. When we think, “there is no way I will ever recover from this.” (Blink twice if this has ever happened to you.)
Perhaps it was the unexpected death of a close friend or family member. Or, the end of a romantic relationship, Or, maybe you were the victim of infidelity. These are the moments that make you question everything. But, in times of despair it’s important to know that everyone struggles through difficult life experiences. Everyone. Life isn’t about avoiding struggle. It’s about how we see those challenges and our ability to come back stronger, wiser. As the saying goes, nobody gets out of here alive. Nobody.
Yes, bad things happen to people all the time. As a bystander we often wonder, “how could anyone handle that kind of gut-punch?”
“Man is, properly speaking, based upon hope. He has no other possession but hope. This world of his is emphatically the place of hope.”
-Sir Thomas Carlyle
Resilience researcher Lucy Hone has spent a career doing academic research to learn more about how some people wither in adversity, while others seem to brave adversity and overcome struggles with relative ease. She shares her story in a TED talk viewed by nearly 6 million people.
Ironically, Hone suffered her own life-changing adversity in 2014. Hone’s 14 year-old daughter and her daughter’s best friend were killed in a tragic car accident.
In the blink of an eye, Hone moved from resilience expert to grieving mother. Suddenly she was forced to listen to her own advice as she navigated the enormous shock and grief that followed.
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As an expert in the field of adversity, she also knew the statistics. The months following the loss of a child can be emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting, and can be when the majority of marital issues start to occur. Divorce among bereaved parents is very common. Parental bereavement is widely known as the hardest of losses to bear.
So, after all that research, what did Hone learn from the experience? She learned that resilient people share three common traits.
Courtesy of Blake Cheek
Shit Happens: Resilient people know that suffering is a part of life. And, suffering does not discriminate. It affects everyone. Resilient people don’t welcome adversity, but they seem to know that suffering is a normal part of the human experience. Knowing that suffering is normal keeps them from asking the question: why me? Hone says that the more appropriate question is, "why not me?”Terrible things happen to you, just like they do everybody else. Life can change in the blink of an eye and we have to decide whether we will sink or swim. In Hone’s case, she decided to swim. With two young boys at home, she couldn’t afford to sink. The boys needed her-and her husband. So, after a normal period of grief they chose to fight for their family.
See, none of us are entitled to live a picture perfect life-free from pain and adversity. In the words of Forrest Gump, “shit happens”.
Or, as John Claypool once wrote, We do not first get all the answers and then live in the light of our understanding. We must rather plunge into life meeting what we have to meet and experiencing what we have to experience and in the light of living try to understand. If insight comes at all, it will not before, but only through and after experience.”
Your Attention Please: Resilient people have the innate ability to carefully choose where to focus their attention, They know that, while they can change some things, there are many more things that they cannot change. As my friend John P. Weiss wrote recently: “The antidote for despair is to stare it down and get on with it.”
See, we are hard-wired with a bias for negativity. That means we often hyper-focus on the negative events of life. But, resilient people know how to focus their attention on things they are grateful for. Because, you know, shit happens. According to Hone, they know how to accept the “good in life, even in the midst of the bad. It’s an intentional and deliberate effort to tune into what's good in their world.”
Or, as is written in Philippians 4:8, “…focus on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.
Do No Harm: Resilient people have the ability to think about what they think about. In other words, they constantly question their thoughts and experiences to discern whether those thoughts and experiences are good for them in light of their current circumstances. They have the ability to stop themselves from wallowing in the pit of despair. In Hone’s case she had to find appropriate times for grief. When that grief would well up at inappropriate times, she chose to not let it harm her or her family.
Or, as my friend Nick Wignall recently wrote: “To assume that your emotions are always important and meaningful is a recipe for suffering and emotional instability.” Resilient people know how to ask themselves the question: is this thought pattern going to move me forward in my recovery or take me backwards into the pit of despair. That kind of critical thinking puts you back in control over your well-being.
Alrighty, we’ve learned a lot here today about the simple things that resilient people do to overcome adversity. First, resilient people know that suffering is a part of life. Second, resilient people choose where to focus their attention, refusing to focus their energy on the negative. They focus on whatever is true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, or gracious; the beautiful, not the ugly. Lastly, resilient people think about what they think about. They have the emotional maturity to understand that thoughts are not reality. Thoughts are, well, thoughts. They can be accepted or dismissed entirely with a little bit of emotional discipline.
What about you? What are you struggling with today? Leave a comment below. Maybe we can help you put your suffering in the proper perspective. It can’t hurt.
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