September is national suicide prevention awareness month. I know it’s not the most uplifting topic, but I have an important question:

What demographic in America has the highest suicide rate?

It’s the angsty teens and their social media addiction, right? Wrong. Could it be those middle-aged millennials (25-44)? Nope. Then, it must be the Gen X’ers. Wrong again. The demographic with the highest rate of suicide in the US is men aged 75 and over. That stat also holds true for Canada and the UK. Surprised? Me too.

See, while rates of depression are significantly higher in women, men commit suicide at exponentially higher rates; men lead in every single age category. It’s one of the few things that men do better than women. In the US, the male suicide rate is nearly four times the female rate. In Canada and the UK, it’s three times the female rate.

These pure suicide rates do not include the so-called “deaths of despair,” that is, deaths resulting from drug overdoses and alcohol-related conditions. These types of deaths were once the unique purview of Americans, but recent research suggests that our friends across the pond are catching up. Deaths of despair in the UK are now eight times the overall suicide rate.

So, what is causing the Biden/Trump/King Charles demographic to end their lives?

The simple truth is that while one-half of people get happier at age 65, the other half get sadder. The reality of life is that the more successful you are, the sadder you are likely to be later in life. Most people assume it’s the “retirement blues,” but it’s way bigger than that. The resulting sadness is derived from the loss of identity, satisfaction, and purpose that can accompany the retirement years.

Men play a lot of different roles in society today, but typically, they find the most value and meaning in one role—provider.

Comedian Chris Rock once joked that “only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something.”

That’s funny, but there is also an element of truth in it. Once men hit retirement age, they are struck with something writer Arthur Brooks calls “the striver’s curse.” That is, the higher we climb in life, the more challenging it can be to retire.

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I wrote more about the striver’s curse in a piece called “How to Die with a Big Fat Smile on Your Face.” See, many men tie their happiness to their success. As they age and retire, their sadness is often caused by a loss of enjoyment, satisfaction, and purpose—a loss of significance, meaning that their value is diminished once the spotlight fades. Perhaps that is the reason why there are two octogenarians running for President in the US instead of enjoying their retirement years. I wrote about them in a piece called “Two Grumpy Old Men.”

In addition, there are 19 members of the US House and Senate who are over age 80. It’s a problem that neither political party wants to address, but they should.

Ironically, it appears that while we all dream of retirement during our working years, many men dream of work during their retirement years.

It’s not the work that they miss—it’s the loss of identity, satisfaction, and purpose that work gives them. They long for the meaning work brings to their lives.

So, what are the key ingredients to a meaningful life? In a recent Pew Research Center survey of 17 advanced economies, family and children ranked number one, with 38% considering them as the key ingredient. Occupation and career came in second place, at 25%, while material well-being secured a close third at 19%. Interestingly, friendship fell into fourth place at 18%. Hobbies and recreation came in eighth, at only 10%. Spirituality, faith, and religion came in second to last, representing a mere 2% of the responses. Outside of the US, faith never emerges as one of the top ten sources of meaning cited, with no more than 5% of any non-American public even mentioning it.

That focus on occupation and material well-being as the key ingredient in happiness can cause an identity crisis in men. (Before you start sending me hate mail, I understand that nobody is feeling sorry for men; we’ve had it good for a very long time.)

Part of this identity crisis is driven by society. In a 2017 Pew Research Center study, 71% of respondents felt it is very important for a man to be able to support a family financially to be a good husband or partner. So, financial woes in the Biden/Trump/King Charles demographic are simply gasoline on the retirement dumpster fire.

While women suffer from depression at much higher rates than men, most men are indoctrinated to suffer in silence. That is even more pronounced in older men who are still living with the stigma that poor mental health is equivalent to a sign of weakness. These were the men who grew up with parents leading mental health conversations with “suck it up, buttercup.”

So, what can we do to identify depression in older men, given that most men choose to suffer in silence? How can we identify the signs and signals of possible suicide if men aren’t talking? Well, a recent survey conducted in Australia might have the answer. The researchers interviewed nearly 300 men who had made suicide attempts within the last 6-18 months. The survey sought to identify and catalog the words and phrases these men used to describe their depression and suicidality.

Some men who feel suicidal often experience a kind of tunnel vision. They lose the ability to see the bigger picture; the walls close in, and the only thing remaining in focus is utter darkness and despair. That leads to an unexpected inner peace and calm that looks like the fog has lifted, but it’s actually a sense of resolve to “fix the problem.” While family members might be relieved to see the sense of calm and inner peace, it’s actually a major warning sign.

So, what can friends or family members do to identify such warning signals. Since men do not typically share their emotions, researchers looked for the key terms used most frequently by the men who had attempted to end their lives. They found a common theme across these men. The terms most frequently used by men to describe their feelings during suicidal thoughts were:

feeling useless or worthless
I've had enough
hopeless
pointless
over it
When it came to depression, most men used words to define how they were feeling. They’re the kind of phrases you might expect from someone in their later years. To describe feeling depressed, the most frequently used terms were:
stressed
tired
not doing too well
down in the dumps

Some survey participants then gave valuable feedback on how they wish others had interacted with them. What did they want from friends and family? Here is a snippet of the things participants shared:

“I need support from someone I really trust and respect.”
“Don’t tell me that everything will be okay. Ask me to tell you what’s up and then listen with an open mind.”
“I need to know that others can hear the truth and they won’t judge me.”
“Someone needs to notice the changes they’re seeing in me, for example, withdrawal, irritability.”
“We need to let men know that others are going through this too, it’s normal to struggle sometimes, and there is help.”
“You need to be very direct and tell me you know what’s going on for me. Then support me to get more help.”
“Help me to break my problems down into smaller pieces and then set some goals.”
“Get me involved in something bigger than myself, like helping others who are worse off.”
“Encourage me to do more things for myself, like taking care of myself.”
“Talking to a friend can be easier than family because they’re one step removed. There’s not so much pressure to get well quickly. Friends and/or family have to get in my face and stay there because I’m probably not going to ask for help.”

Alrighty, we’ve learned a lot here today about life weariness. Let’s see if I can nail the big finish. First, men who derive most of their meaning from their work have the hardest time retiring. Second, the more successful a man is, the harder it is to retire and enjoy “the good life.” Third, since older men aren’t likely to wear their weariness on their sleeves, it’s important to look for the warning signs and phrases. Lastly, be prepared to listen. What men fear most is being judged when they’re asking for help.

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Life Weariness: The Silent Epidemic

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