Who Do You Spend Your Time With?
As we travel through the various seasons of life, there is a dramatic shift in who we spend our time with. We develop relationships with friends, family, co-workers, partners, etc. But, how does our commitment to these constituencies change over time-and why?
It turns out, the people at Our World in Data spend time studying our habits. And, my friend Sahil Bloom has done a masterful job of analyzing the data. He points out that our time is limited and that, more importantly, who we spend our time with changes dramatically over time.
Family
When our children are young, time moves slowly. The days are long but the years are actually very short. The first 19 years of raising a child is prime family time.
English Robinson and Mary English Greene, 2002.
After age twenty, family time declines and it never recovers. The message here is clear: we should seek to cherish these moments as fleeting and understand each hour is precious. That appreciation of the finite nature of time can do wonders to raise our appreciation for each other.
Friendship
Our appreciation for friendship grows over time in inverse proportion to the amount of time we get to spend with those friends. Time spent with friends peaks at age 18 and begins a very steep decline that never recovers.
Perhaps that’s why our appreciation for friendships grows as we age. Particularly those friendships that endure through the good times and bad. We value those friendships that deepen. We trim those that wane. A few very committed friendships are exponentially more valuable than a large number of surface level relationships. But, as with our family, time with friends declines substantially as we age and it never recovers.
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Marriage / Partner
As I wrote about in How to Build a Happy Life, our choice of life partners is our single most important life decision.
It is the only relationship where the time spent together increases over time. So, if you’re miserable at 30, you can look forward to spending even more time together at 60. Choose wisely.
Children
No time is more fleeting or bittersweet than time spent with our children.
Time with our children peaks in our 30’s and takes a face plant that continues into our 60’s before it levels out. Yes, children make our lives infinitely more meaningful-as I outlined in this letter to my daughter on her 16th birthday:
“When that day comes, I want you to take comfort in one thing. You filled one man’s days with more joy than he was due. A joy unknown in all my prior years. If you never accomplish another thing in your life, you will have done this. You will have exponentially and meaningfully increased the happiness in one man's life. And that is enough.”
Co-Workers
During our prime working years, ages 20-60, we spend an enormous amount of time with co-workers.
Next to our spouses/partners, no other constituency demands more of our time. That’s why who you choose to work with is as important as what you choose to pursue. In a perfect world we find work that is rewarding and people that we like.
Alone
As we age, the constituency we spend the most time with is ourselves. It dramatically outpaces all others. See the green line below.
That’s why it’s incredibly important to learn to embrace solitude as we age. Part of that is learning how to embrace boredom. We must learn to find happiness and joy in the time we have to ourselves, because we will have a whole lot of alone time in our later years.
Summary
By looking at all graphs together, a few things become clear. In our 40’s all the lines seem to cross. A time when all our constituents seem to demand the maximum amount of time. But, here is the real lesson:
The time spent with our family of origin peaks during childhood. We must prioritize our time with family and loved ones. Our time spent with friends peaks at age 18. We must cherish the limited time we get with our friends as we age. The time spent with our spouse/partner grows as we age. Choose wisely. The time spent with our kids peaks in our 30’s. Make sure you cherish those younger years with your children. You will spend an enormous amount of time at work. Make sure you like your co-workers. Learn to embrace solitude. As you age the amount of time spent alone far surpasses all other constituencies.
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