It’s the single most important question of every man’s life. And, it’s imperative that you know the answer, even if you’re not a man.

The answer to this single question can provide much needed grounding throughout the course of your life.

As I wrote in my last article, men need other men to do life with. And, part of doing life together is arming each other for the battles of life. In those battles, friends can serve as moral guideposts, as guardrails. As bulwarks in the eye of the storm. Because, from time to time, we simply do not have our own best interest at-heart. That’s why it’s important to be able to answer the most important question of your life:

“What do you want?”

But, there’s a big difference between what you want in the moment versus what you want in the future. See, knowing what you want in the future is mostly fixed. It changes by degrees, over a long time horizon. That’s normal. But, when it changes drastically in the moment, that’s when the trouble starts.

“What do you want?”

It’s a simple question, really. But it’s a question every man must grapple with. Why? Because knowing what you want provides direction; a true north when the storms of life inevitably appear.

Suffering

If you’re a young man, it’s time we let you in on a little secret of adulting. A secret we adultier-adults often keep to ourselves. A secret that’s gonna hit you harder than Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy and Professional Wrestling being a hoax. (The first two were willingly perpetrated by your parents.) The secret is this: a great deal of adult life is built on suffering.

See, as you grow older, marriages will fail, people get fired, good friends get sick and some people we love die. Nobody can predict the incredible joy or sorrow that lies ahead. Life can be truly painful and challenging to survive, at times. It’s at these times you’ll need to lean on your friends. Especially if your marriage fails, you get fired or get sick and/or people that you love pass away. See what I did there?

I’m not talking about casual acquaintances. I’m talking about friends that are willing to strap on the armor and enter into the battle side-by-side. I’m talking about friends that know your why. But, more importantly, I’m talking about friends that have heard you answer the question:

What do I want?

Temptation

In addition to suffering, adult life also brings temptation. Because, for some reason, suffering attracts temptation faster than flies to a picnic.

Especially when the new job’s a hassle and the kids have the flu. When you’ve maxed out your credit cards, you’re working in a job you hate and you realize that you have another 25-30 years until retirement. The house needs a new roof and you just lost your biggest client. And, it feels as if you’re falling further and further behind everyone else. That’s when she appears….

When Temptation arrives she’s usually smoking an unfiltered Camel and drinking cheap Tequila from a plastic bottle. She smells of cheap perfume and regret.

Why are you reading this article when you could be listening to my buttery smooth voice read it to you on Spotify, Apple iTunes, iHeart Radio or wherever you get your podcasts?

Our generation is bombarded with daily temptation our fathers and grandfathers couldn’t even fathom. Things like Tinder, Ashley Madison, legalized drugs and/or on-line porn & gambling. Can you imagine trying to explain Tinder to your grandfather? These are the temptations we face every day. Temptations intended to distract you from what is good and true. To make you stray from your chosen path. To make you question what you want.

You are not alone, my friend. This just popped up in my Instagram feed today. She seems nice.

You’ll know that temptation is in the house when you start having arguments with yourself. When you start trying to justify your decision to yourself-before you even made it. See how dumb that sounds? You say things like:

“But, I deserve it”
“Nobody will ever find out”
“I can quit any time I want”
“The bookmakers always underestimate us”
“She’ll eventually get over it”
“I’ll only do this once”
“I can always get another__________” (insert job, girlfriend, wife, friend, etc.)
“She’s not paying me enough attention anyway”
“I’ll just pay it off over time”

Temptation often begets temptation. Why? Because, once you’ve entered into the temptation cul-de-sac it’s very hard to get out. You can quickly find yourself compounding bad decisions with even badder decisions. I don’t think badder is a word, but you get the point. Because we always want what we can’t have. And, because what we can’t have is absolutely thrilling. Especially when the new job’s a hassle and the kids have the flu and we haven’t felt the thrill of victory since the Obama administration.

It’s at times like these that you need a few, good friends. Friends that aren’t afraid to shoot straight. Friends that know what you really want.

See, the point of knowing what you want isn’t to keep it a secret. The point of knowing what you want is to share it with people you trust. Because when you’re hanging out with Suffering and Temptation, you’ll want to avoid meeting their trampy step-sister. Her name is Regret. I wrote about her in an article entitled Four Things Regret Can Teach You About Yourself. You should read it next. Don’t make me come to your house.

When Temptation is lurking around, Regret is always in the shadows. That’s when you want a friend to remind you of what you want. Cause, trust me on this one, when you’re about to do something really stoopid, your brain won’t remember what you want. Because remember what I told you earlier, we don’t always have our best interest at-heart.

Image courtesy of Kenny Eliason via Unsplash

But, your friends do know what you want. And, if they’re good friends, they’ll remind you of what you want. Not what you want in the moment, but what you want in the future. Not what you want today, but what you want tomorrow.

See, a lot of people royally screw up their lives. It’s the reason why Addiction Counselors, Therapists, Pastors, Divorce Attorneys and Forensic Accountants have job security. Because there’s a never ending supply of people who met with Suffering, partied in the Temptation cul-de-sac and woke up spooning with Regret.

So far I haven’t met anyone who intentionally set out to ruin their life. Nobody makes a decision knowing that they’re gonna end up unemployed, bankrupt, alone, depressed or worse, dead.

We can’t possibly contemplate all the things that could go wrong. Why? Because we are too busy trading what we want in the future for what we want in the moment. Too busy chasing the thrill of victory and ignoring the potential agony of defeat. Like the skier on ABC’s Wide World of Sports intro.

Alrighty, let’s revisit the main points we’ve learned here today. First, it’s incredibly important to know what you want. This isn’t something you can casually scribble on a piece of paper at 70 mph. Knowing what you want is part of deep, introspective analysis of how you want your life to unfold in the future, not in the moment.

Second, it’s time you learn that life is full of joy, but it’s also full of suffering. We simply can’t predict or control all of the joy or sorrow that will come our way.

Third, you must remain vigilant. Temptation for men is everywhere these days. Once you enter the temptation cul-de-sac it’s very difficult to get out because, you know, temptation is thrilling.

Fourth, Regret is a tramp. You’ll wake up with a headache, smelling of booze and Marlboro Lights. And, your wallet and maybe a kidney could be missing.

Lastly, I’m terrible at math but there is a formula you should commit to memory. It’s Suffering + Temptation = Regret. Because, when you combine suffering and temptation you often end up doing things you regret. And, nothing robs your life of joy and happiness faster than regret.

So, how to avoid all this? Establish a clear vision of what you want in life. Share it with a few close friends. Then hold each other accountable when Suffering, Temptation and Regret come to town to party like aging rock stars.

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The Most Important Question of Your Life

Suffering

Temptation

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